I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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