When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
