Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
