Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
