he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
