i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
no you cant smoke seaweed
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
