party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
