Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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