you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
wanna go halves on a baby?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
