bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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