when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
