he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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