I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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