I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
