Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
