He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
