i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
