at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
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