i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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