I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
