JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
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Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
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I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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