I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
