One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
