Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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