my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
