hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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