Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
