You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
thus making me awesome and them whores
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
