When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
