Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
