Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
