Texts From Last Night

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  (906): View more from Michigan

  And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink

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  (906): And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink http://tfl.nu/999y
  Replies (2) Good night (762) Bad night (940)
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.

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  (231): I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic. http://tfl.nu/t71g
  Replies (12) Good night (4033) Bad night (762)
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..

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  (443): 8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath.. http://tfl.nu/przo
  Replies (44) Good night (3600) Bad night (1708)
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  (940): View more from Texas

  and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.

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  (940): and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics. http://tfl.nu/usna
  Replies (12) Good night (2500) Bad night (668)
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.

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  (720): I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like. http://tfl.nu/6yf0
  Replies (5) Good night (1582) Bad night (1099)
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.

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  (636): I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss. (314): Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call. http://tfl.nu/9b26
  Replies (4) Good night (902) Bad night (2734)
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit

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  (901): He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit http://tfl.nu/0txt
  Replies (8) Good night (889) Bad night (2477)
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.

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  (505): We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon. http://tfl.nu/nv69
  Replies (15) Good night (1780) Bad night (490)
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment

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  (701): He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment http://tfl.nu/7mc6
  Replies (3) Good night (1784) Bad night (396)
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.

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  (410): I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful. http://tfl.nu/rt55
  Replies (5) Good night (498) Bad night (1805)
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.

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  (563): I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud. http://tfl.nu/0vsx
  Replies (9) Good night (1254) Bad night (616)
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  (360): View more from Washington

  If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!

  (360): View more from Washington

  A cheater.

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  (360): If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me. (503): Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?! (360): A cheater. http://tfl.nu/8n8b
  Replies (20) Good night (1079) Bad night (377)
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it

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  (712): I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it http://tfl.nu/a3ns
  Replies (1) Good night (366) Bad night (287)
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?

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  (773): Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right? http://tfl.nu/8uh3
  Replies (1) Good night (318) Bad night (552)
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all

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  (501): The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all http://tfl.nu/rl4u
  Replies (1) Good night (566) Bad night (168)

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