btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
