it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early