I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I think I sprained my soul last night
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
