i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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