just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
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he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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