You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
