Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
