walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Randomize
