i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
