you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
