the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
