Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Hippo gnu deer
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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