anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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