Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
