i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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