we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
