My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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