so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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