you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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