So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
