the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
