It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
