Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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