I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
