My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
