I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize
