it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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