I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
